<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Pumps &amp; Red, White, and Blue by annabeth_at_the_helm</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24392749">Pumps &amp; Red, White, and Blue</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_at_the_helm/pseuds/annabeth_at_the_helm'>annabeth_at_the_helm</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>MASH (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crossdressing, F/M, Flag Desecration, Language, Non-Explicit Sexual Content, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Sexual Roleplay, Trapper &amp; Hawkeye being themselves, Voyeurism, boners mentioned but not any actual boners</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:08:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,168</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24392749</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_at_the_helm/pseuds/annabeth_at_the_helm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"Now, Margaret," Frank said around a fake pipe, "tell me again how </i>amazing<i> I am."<br/>"Oh, General MacArthur," Margaret replied in a sugary tone...</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>"Trapper" John McIntyre &amp; Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Frank Burns/Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Banned Banned Together Bingo 2020, Banned Together Bingo 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Pumps &amp; Red, White, and Blue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for "Flag Desecration" on my <a href="https://bannedtogetherbingo2020.tumblr.com">Banned Together Bingo card</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Now, Margaret," Frank said around a fake pipe, "tell me again how <i>amazing</i> I am."</p>
<p>	"Oh, General MacArthur," Margaret replied in a sugary tone, "you're the most competent, the biggest war hero, the most staunch soldier, the—"</p>
<p>	Frank climbed off the bed and stuck the pipe in the chest pocket of the Class A's he was wearing, a little frown trying to manifest on his nonexistent lips.</p>
<p>	"Don't go overboard," he said peevishly. "I'll think you really rather <i>would</i> be in MacArthur's arms. Or his bed. Rather than my bed."</p>
<p>	"Oh, <i>Frank</i>," Margaret said, "don't be ridiculous. And it's <i>my</i> bed." She tugged up the strap on her negligee. Frank stared at her a moment, shrugged, then resumed "smoking" the pipe.</p>
<p>	From outside the tent, crowding each other by a small cut in the canvas, Trapper and Hawkeye watched this display with morbid fascination.</p>
<p>	"Do ya think this dirty roleplay is sanctioned by the Army?" Trapper whispered into Hawkeye's ear. Hawkeye shook his head.</p>
<p>	"It's unlikely. For one thing, Margaret is out of uniform in that nightie. For another, Frank is out of uniform in those… Christ. Is he wearing her high heels?"</p>
<p>	Trapper peered closer, half-elbowing Hawkeye out of the way.</p>
<p>	"Do ya know, I think you're right. Definitely not sanctioned by the Army, then. If they caught a sniff of this, with Frank dressed up like <i>that</i>, shit would hit the fan."</p>
<p>	"Not to mention…" Hawkeye elbowed Trapper right back. "Since when do you use an American flag as a sexual prop?" He squinted. "Okay, maybe it's just Margaret being super-patriotic. It's quite honestly hard to tell, with those two."</p>
<p>	"Oh, hey," Trapper said, "check out Frank now."</p>
<p>	Inside the tent, Frank had begun to divest himself of the Class A's uniform. In moments, he stood in nothing more than the hat with his oak leaf pinned to it.</p>
<p>	"Nice to see Frank isn't <i>actually</i> impersonating a general," Hawkeye said sardonically, as they both watched Frank take a few mincing steps in the high heels towards Margaret. "But then, he probably would have, if he had the stars for it."</p>
<p>	"Don't ya mean the balls?" Trapper asked, and as one, their eyes flicked down. Hawkeye shuddered; Trapper winced. And inside, Margaret had just begun to tuck down her negligee. She had her back to them, so unfortunately, as voyeurism went, it wasn't that exciting; neither Hawkeye nor Trapper particularly wanted to see Frank's cock—erect or otherwise.</p>
<p>	And yet, that wasn't the point, anyway. It was just another day at the 4077th; just another prank begging to be pulled. When they'd been returning from the showers and caught sight of Frank quickly hiding the pipe in his pockets, they had been intrigued about what subterfuge was about to be perpetrated, so they followed him to Margaret's tent.</p>
<p>	There was no surprise to that part of it—he was often to be found camped out in there, whether he or Margaret wanted anyone to know about it, even though everyone already did—but the pipe had piqued their curiosity. Of course, now that all made sense, only…</p>
<p>	Margaret, who had been seated on the bed with her leg tucked up under her, flowed gracefully to her feet—</p>
<p>	"Aaah," Hawkeye and Trapper said in unison.</p>
<p>	"She's really high class," Hawkeye muttered. "Pretty, brainy, and a good nurse. I wish she didn't associate with <i>him</i>. It spoils her appeal, <i>and</i> her personality."</p>
<p>	"She sure is," Trapper agreed. "But you're right, Hawk." Margaret was sliding her nightie down over her body; in moments they'd be able to see her completely nude ass. Hawkeye was certain that Trapper had longed for such an opportunity as this as much as he had. But just before she got her lingerie off, Frank switched off the light.</p>
<p>	"Dammit," Hawkeye muttered.</p>
<p>	"Foiled again," Trapper added. "She never gets caught in the showers either."</p>
<p>	"That's because Radar always has to plug the hole before she goes in, or she'd scream the camp down on us." Hawkeye exchanged a wink with Trapper, and they both got silently to their feet, creeping around the tent until they could pull the door open.</p>
<p>	Hawkeye flung it open; Trapper flicked on the light. Margaret gave a little gasp and stepped away from Frank; Frank gave a high-pitched shriek, and, still wearing Margaret's pumps and nothing else, reached for the closest thing to hand. He wrapped the fabric around Margaret and himself, concealing their nudity.</p>
<p>	"Should you tell him, or shall I?" Hawkeye asked mildly. Trapper was laughing too hard to really respond.</p>
<p>	So Hawkeye glanced meaningfully downward and said, deadpan,</p>
<p>	"I'm pretty sure desecrating the flag wouldn't look very good on your permanent record, Frank. Even if impersonating General MacArthur wasn't bad enough."</p>
<p>	"I-you-why—" Frank sputtered, then looked down at the material he was clutching so desperately to keep them covered. He immediately went puce, then white, then looked like he was going to pass out, his nonexistent lips even harder to distinguish than usual.</p>
<p>	"<i>Frank!</i>" Margaret gasped, and Hawkeye was pretty sure she would have yanked away from him—if she could have without exposing herself, and she was apparently too canny for that. That, and had a better head on her shoulders for disaster, because <i>she</i> hadn't panicked. "You can't use the flag for something like this! It's as bad as—oh, Frank, you've let it touch the ground, too." She was giving him her most disappointed look, and Frank began to tremble.</p>
<p>	"Well, now, Margaret, don't look at me! It's not <i>my</i> fault, it's the fault of those two pranksters, they're never satisfied with anything—"</p>
<p>	"Now, don't look at us, Margaret," Hawkeye said. "We just wanted to know if you were warm enough." She gave him a look that clearly said, <i>it's summer in Korea, you idiot</i>, and pulled the olive drab blanket off her bed. Leaving Frank to clutch the American flag around his torso, she wrapped up in her own blanket and fed him to the wolves—if two Army captains full of hijinks could be called wolves. (Frank would probably contend that they were, come to that. Either that or he'd say they'd been <i>raised</i> by wolves.)</p>
<p>	Frank made a keening noise, apparently too frozen to try to find something to wear <i>besides</i> the flag. Margaret stared daggers at him, until he said, voice in a very high register,</p>
<p>	"I'll just be going now."</p>
<p>	"By all means, Frank, walk through the compound like that," Hawkeye said with a snicker. Trapper joined in.</p>
<p>	"Besides, Frank, not only would you be better off walkin' through camp naked than to be seen desecratin' the flag, we've already seen ya naked anyway." He paused, peering down at Frank's feet. "Nice shoes, Frank."</p>
<p>	"Well, I never!" Frank cried, and apparently beyond rational thought, balled up the flag and pitched it at Trapper's head.</p>
<p>	They ducked out of the tent, laughing so hard Hawkeye's sides ached, barely able to catch their breath all the way back to the Swamp.</p>
<p>END</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>